A kind of review, kind of rant about the latest book in the Maximum Ride series: Fang.
Ok. it's taking me all of my energy not to throw this book out of the window and knocking out my next door neighbors with it. But it is frankies book which she's lending to me, so i'd better not.
seriously, that was the crappiest crap book i've read since breaking dawn (and that book broke my twilight addiction so i'm kinda grateful actually). I've read better prose on the back of a box of tampons, and i'm not joking.
So yeah, i've you've known me for over eleven months, you might remember a journal about the last maximum ride book called max where i said it was basically a load of bull cr*p.
and if you watch me, you might remember a deviation with the pictures of max and fang where i said they look like disney characters and i had a rant in the artists comments.
and if you were next to me on the bus this morning, you'll know how i dreaded to read this.
So then. I'm only a crazy hater that never even liked the series and should go die in a hole? Well, i'm sorry to say this kids, but actually, i've likes the series for ages. The first three books? Kick-arse. They were one of the things that inspired me to write my own books. Now, i had to put the book down and leave the room for a few minutes several times because it was too much.
And why i hate it? Well. There are a few basic points.
Mainly, it's like a badly written fan fiction because:
1) Everyone (except maybe Iggy who's too awesome) are COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER! This is a problem for authors (such as myself) when writing, because when you write a book, you can't just have your characters there to tell you if their personallity's wrong. You have to figure it out yourself. For example, when i looked back on an old version of my book, and Seth (a deranged cannibal antagonist) gets his arm ripped off. And what does he say? 'Augh! This is a disaster!' Ok. He would never say that. I know my characters very well and i know that he would never EVER say that. He'd be more likely to scream 'You b*tch!' or something along those lines.
I think that James Patterson needs to read through his book and check for Out Of Characterness because he's going to have to change a lot if he does. The first thing i do when i finish a chapter (well, now anyway) is check that everything works and that everyone is in character. If i was out of character, i'd walk up to some random guy in the street and go 'you're hot, wanna go have coffee?' i never say that. Well, i'm fifteen for a start, but i'd just be too scared!
So, the characters
Max: i'm sorry to say, that all we have left of kickarse max and her merry mutant bird kids, is a load of crap. Max is an overly emotional definition of mary sue. She's no longer the 'unvulnerable-chick-and-if-you-suggest-that-i-need-taking-care-of-i'll-knee-you-in-the-balls' kind of max any more. No, now you ask?
Well. Max is a lovey-duvey-bellaswanesque-little-piece-of-fluff. Does she do any fighting? No. First, she falls onto a camel, the other two times some action happens, she's either sucking fangs face off (and chewing his tongue as he describes which we really didn't need to know) or sat by fang while he dies BUT DOESN'T DIE BECAUSE HE'S A SPECHUL BIRD KID.
You want some quotes to back me up? Well, my mum has the book of mush right now (don't worry, i warned her about how bad it is). But basically, flick to pretty much any page of the book (if you can bring yourself to buy it) and there will be bella swan going on about how hot Edward and Jacob are... oh wait, did i say those names? Silly me! Well, practically the same book anyway. She's just like Bella! How lovely for them! I'm sure that they can discuss how conflicted they are over two guys (except all Max does is say how hot Dylan is and because he's so perfect, he doesn't advance on her, WE WANT SOME SLEEZE DAMN IT. IT WOULD MAKE IT SLIGHTLY MORE EXCITING.)
Next thing you know max and fang will have a baby called Valencbody (maxs mum called vanencienna or something and fangs mum, so idea so she can be called nobody), oh and then Dylan will fall in love with Valencbody and no one will think he's a pedophile for some srange reason. And what's with Maxs hair changing colour from blonde to brown? Just thought i'd throw that in.
Now known as Maxy-Sue or Bella Swan.
Next up, Fang! The tall, dark, moody, handsome, sexy, hair that's just too long and- Ok Max, lets cut you off there, we get the picture. The descriptions we get of Fang through this book are worthy of Twilight and sorry, but i'm not kidding. And if i hear about how Fang smells ONE MORE TIME i shall have to shoot Fang and cover him with skunk stink. How d'ya like that Max?
Fang is just the opposite of fang (in fact, i'm suprised he didn't start SINGING like the rest of the flock. They actually started to sing, i'm not kidding.) i'm suprised he didn't whip out a little pink dress with a matching satin bow and start tap dancing. No seriously, that's how bad it was. I was SUPRISED THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
What does he do for the ENTIRE book? This. 'hey max? wanna play tonsil tennis?' (for the more delicate audience out there, it means kissing with tongues.). actually, there was one scene where he was dying on a bed with maxykins weeping over him before he becomes alive for no reason, but that's it.
What's that i hear you cry? Where's the kick-ass Fang who well... kicked ass? Nope. All he does is grab max and go LE SNOG. Seriously. There may be a page there he does some violence, but it was probably cloaked by a massive snog straight after that got rid of my brain cells. What disturbed me a lot, is that max and fang slept in the same bed really REALLY intimately and NUDGE WAS THERE IN THE SAME BED. Modesty! there's a twelve year old with you! HELLO?
Oh, and now he's all mr emotional with everyone except poor old Dylan. He tells Dylan that he's not going to talk about his feelings with him, but then he writes down all the nasty things in his diary, i mean computer. Just like a little girl. Goodbye awesome old fang, go die in a hole new fang.
Now known as Marty-Fang or Edward Cullen.
Now then. You're all wondering 'Just who is this Dylan that fang so rudely denied access to his feelings then wrote how angsty he was in his diary?'. WELL kids, you're in for a bad plot development.
Dylan is Maxs so called 'perfect other half created for her'. He has dark blonde hair, turquoise eyes (i didn't get it either), tanned 'perfect' skin and looks like he's from americas sexiest men magasine according to max. Actually, all we get about him is that he's sexy and never lies. He can also sing perfectly, WITH HIS ACCOUSTIC GUITAR. Ok, so he doesn't have an accoustic guitar, but he probably can play one knowing how 'perfect' he is.
If he's created for max to be her perfect other half, she would be SLIGHTLY attracted to him. Come on. If he's half as OMFG AWESUM as you claim he is, you'll be at least a little attracted to him and no, i don't care how much you LUB UR FANGYWANGY.
Now known as Jacob Black.
The only characters i liked in this were Iggy and Angel. Why? Well, let me explain.
Iggy: He said what i wanted to scream and elaborate with a frying pan. EG when their house is ambushed by erasers (yeah, i was all WTF as well) but max and fang were too busy practically having sex to go and rescue their flock and Dylan and Jed or whatever he's called. When they get back, all loved up and naked (joke) Max tried to be all leadery, i was screaming at the book, but i was ok, because Iggy said it for me. 'it's nice of you to care now.' Iggy says
'What's that supposed to mean' max says
'You werent here when we needed you, you were out there. because let's face it, you care more about eachoher than about the rest of us.' Iggys says.
Thank god someone said it! But while he was saying it, max was practically mocking the fact that he's blind the whole time! What a cold hearted cow! (yeah i like Iggy, he's the only in character flock member left).
As for angel, she kicked out Max and fang for being only interested in the next snog session. You go girl. You go. Admittedly, it all ended in tears, but hey, Patterson didn't let you be a leader because he decided to let a genetic disease stop your glorious reign. Angel wasn't taking any shit from anybody.
Next up, the plot holes. Oh those plot holes.
He reintroduced the Erasers for how long? two or three chapters. Was there any explination as to why they were there? No. Did they get mentioned once before or once after the incident? No. What is going on? No idea.
Where the hell did Total come from? I was reading it, there was no mention of Total for the entire book when suddenly, there he is telling us how hot Jacob is! Wait, I meant dylan. Where did total come from? I have no idea. He's just the random talking dog that's now a total loved up sap with some random husky that had no say in the wedding that happends. (yes, there's a dog wedding. When that happens, you know you're doomed.).
Dylans magic spit of healing. (weird sentence i know)
Dylan has this power that if he licks his wounds or whatever's wrong with him, it suddenly heals like magic! O WOWZ HOW AWESUM IS DAT? Not very actually. Hands up who thought James Pattersons run out of ideas. So yeah, when Dylan injects himself with poison of DOOMZ what happens? nothing. diddly squat. Side effects? no. Death? No. A disease? He's suddenly covered with doom spots, and his AWESUM power doesn't do a thing so he looks like 'a sexy troll' (maxs words, not mine.)
I think what Dylan needs to lick most is his limp personality. See if it'll fix it self.
Max can fly at super warp speed right? Well, after an emotional conflict with someone, she flies to Utah very far away to where she was before and a few seconds later, there's Fang! How did he get there with his obvious lack in warp speed? OOOOH! i get it! Max must be getting all vulnerable on our butts and isn't actually at warp speed at all.
Now i don't know much about the human/bird-kid health and stuff like that. But after someones body has been pushed so much that they die. Would injecting adrenaline into them really be enough to bring them alive again after they've been dead for about 5-10 minutes? And if that guys a doctor, why didn't he think of injecting the adrenaline directly into fang in the first place instead of putting it into his IV drip. Not thought out James.
There are loads more, but i forgot them. sorry!
Right then! Next up is the romance.
Anyone ever read a fanfiction where ALL THAT HAPPENS is that the pairing they like snogs? Some other stuff happens, but no one cares about that. Well. If you happen to LIKE romance books, go ahead and buy the book, you're in for 250/309 pages of fluffy gooey romance. Have fun if you manage not to PUKE. To be honest, i was suprised Valencbody didn't turn up at some point (Max and Fangs child made from the names of maxs mum Valencia and fangs mum nobody because i don't know who she is).
But to create some non existant conflict, suddenly, the perfect bird-kid turns up and tries to break fang and maxs 250 page make out session but fails eg'hi max! lets make out! no, you're not fang piss off noob. oh, okay!'
And anyone who tries to stop them (iggy and angel and jec or whatever he's called) are portrayed as haters and bad people. Excuse me? If i was in this flock, i'd be saying loudly 'GET A ROOM.' or 'PDA! PDA! RUN!!!' or something. XD
There's no plot. AT ALL.
Well, if there was, i couldn't find it. I was 146 pages in after about half an hour, i looked up and said 'still no plot' I'd do this every half an hour. If anyone found a plot, well done. You must tell me what it was because i couldn't find any.
There was no focus to the story other than if fang and maxs love would survive through the pathetic ordeals set out.
Hello? I bought (borrowed) maximum ride! I bought a book for action, adventure and freaky mutants! I like those kind of books! I liked the maximum ride series! The first three books were awesome, now, they suck.
I didn't want to read a load of sappy fluffy romance where you abused the characters personalitys and turned the mains into mary sues! And if the characters weren't all 'LIEK OMG! YU SHUD TTLY GET MARRIED FANG N MAX D THEN U CN HVE LITTLE BIRDY BABIES! BAWWW HOW ADOORUBL'
and what's with total and akillas wedding? I'm sorry, but i don't want to read about dogs getting married. I don't actually like dogs that much, i'm cynaphobic. Total was cool at the beggining. When you gave him wings, i gave up on him. It was funny when they carried him around, then when they had akilla, i just wanted to shoot her down along with his wings. When total suggested marriage, i just died inside, and not the way i do when i'm laughing to much. Dogs. Don't. Get. Married. It's a human concept. You don't see any other species do it? I don't really see the point in it personally as my parents aren't married, they have three kids and still kiss in public (it's embarissing lol). but seriously, a dog wedding was just too much for me.
Also, the picture we've gotten on the covers of the books of fang and max suck. I'm sorry, but my 9 year old sister could have drawn better pictures. Fang looks like either Shia LaBoef, Nick Jonas, Joe Jonas or that dude of neighbors on the pictures, and max just looks like Ashley Tisdale.
I think the pictures on the on the 'saving the world and other extreme sports' cover were far better. I'm talkign about the one where they were all there. The current pictures suck. Admittedly, you can't appeal to everyone when you publish a picture of what you think your character would look like, but at least make him taller, please.
And end of rant. I feel a lot better now that it's out of my system. I was going to write more, but i forgot what it was. Ideally this would be much longer.
do you know what's sad? If there's another rip of of twilight, i mean book, i'll still buy and read it. And you'll have to sit through another rant such as 'Ok, Maxs baby just can't grow up that fast and i don't care how speshul she is. And jeez, Dylan, stop molesting her you pedophile!'
you just wait.
My opinion? zero stars out of five.
and that's generous. If you're wondering how no stars can be generous, it would be minus infinity stars right next to the twilight series.
In my opinion, if you don't want a book similar to twilight, read the lake house and the other book i can't remember the name of (fail). They're really good, but the last one's kinda depressing, but still really good. They also feature a blonde winged girl called Max because James Pattinson couldn't be bothered to make up new characters.